Will I ever go back to being the person I once was? What has happened to me? Today was a little rough. Work was work, I'm actually quite good at what I do. The problem is that it's sooooo easy to be good at that job that I don't really have to try all that hard. Anyway, I get home and of course T immediately attacks me and talks nonstop to me. Dinner which I didn't cook is on the table (shouldn't I be grateful that I get a home cooked meal on the table every day - yes, I think I should). However, some part of me is a little upset that I'm not the one taking care of my family. I go to work and make money so that other people can decide what my kids will eat, play with, learn, watch, and say. I get a few moments each day to try and shape them into the people I'd like to see them become. Like today, I get home and FIL informs me that they purchased a 20-pack of pudding at Costco because Naomi wanted it. It's fine, it really should be fine, and yet it bothers me. After supper I had to play make up games with T - I deserve it I guess since I wanted girls. After that we played Chutes and Ladders while I held B. The time we played, B was crying and W was sleeping on the couch. Couldn't she just get up and play with B? She was really tired and the whole time I'm scared out of my mind that maybe she's pregnant again. That would be a disaster. So toward the end of chutes and ladders, T starts to get a little whiny and I completely burst out in anger toward her. The crying of B had built up my anger to the point where I exploded on T. Now they are both completely crying and I feel miserable. I have a REAL problem with my anger outbursts. And then MIL and FIL come upstairs to find out what all the yelling and noise is about. Yes, I am a flawed person. Very much so. And the worst part is that nobody calls me out on it. No one tells me I'm wrong for yelling. In fact, W often is happy that I do it - telling me I should yell more often.
I hope with this blog to chronicle my sadness and hopefully it will prove cathartic. Hopefully it will help me to think about my problems and encourage some action on my part to get better. I'm sad, depressed, angry and altogether not happy. And I don't see a way out...
